“I am not Jessica Chen. And maybe Jessica Chen herself isn’t either. Maybe nobody is. The very idea of her is a construct, a myth, a distraction, the dream we’re forever reaching toward but can never quite grasp.”

I Am Not Jessica Chen, by Ann Liang

Summary

After getting rejected by every single Ivy League she applied to and falling short of all her Asian immigrant parents’ expectations, seventeen-year-old Jenna Chen makes a wish to become her smarter, infinitely more successful Harvard-bound cousin, Jessica Chen—only for her wish to come true. Literally.

Now trapped inside Jessica’s body, with access to Jessica’s most private journals and secrets, Jenna soon discovers that being the top student at the elite, highly competitive Havenwood Private Academy isn’t quite what she imagined. Worse, as everyone—including her own parents—start having trouble remembering who Jenna Chen is, or if she ever even existed, Jenna must decide if playing the role of the perfect daughter and student is worth losing her true self forever.

My Thoughts

This was the first book I have read from author Ann Liang, though I have seen her works in a few places, and I really enjoyed it. I’m a fan of dark academia, but I’ve never read YA Dark Academia like this, or even better, Asian-centric dark academia. I know that R.F. Kuang’s Babel is the end all be all of Asian dark academia but despite owning the book I have not yet read it, and so this was my first exposure. I saw an Instagram post about how this book is very this is me trying coded (based on the Taylor Swift song) and I definitely agree.

I think the big beats of the novel are twofold: Jenna, in Jessica’s body, trying to learn more about Jessica and her life, and Jenna with Aaron Cai, her childhood best friend, trying to figure out who Jenna is, and how to love herself. It’s an ode to the struggles not just of academia, but of family pressure in an Asian community, especially when surrounded by people you feel are better than you in every way, and to school pressure at an elite community. It’s also an ode to friendship; in Jessica’s body, Jenna starts realizing all the things she took for granted as Jenna but never realized, and that Jessica’s life wasn’t as perfect as she thought it was. Jenna’s a very relatable protagonist, one who is stupendous at art but doesn’t value her skills as an artist as much as she should because everyone she is surrounded with only value academic success; something I as an Indian writer find relatable.

The romance between Jenna and Aaron is adorable. They’re childhood best friends, and haven’t seen each other in a year by the time of the start of this book. Aaron is a huge green flag, and very much embodies the idea of “I wish you saw yourself the way I saw you.” He’s a sweet, quiet prodigy and you fall in love with him just like Jenna does. Jenna is creative, independent, funny, and an amazing friend, but she only ever sees herself as an afterthought, and learning to change how she views herself is a huge part of the book and her healing journey. She goes from burnt-out, exhausted, and self-hating to a bit less burnt out and a bit more optimistic; still not perfect, because healing is neither quick nor linear, but doing better.

A theme I will finish off with was the idea that success as a concept is temporary, that you will always be pushing for the next success, the next win, that just one won’t be enough. “Success is only meant to be rented out, borrowed in small doses at a time, never to be owned completely, no matter what price you’re willing to pay for it.”

Review: ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ◐

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